Sunday, May 18, 2014

Incomprehensible Rambling

Sometimes I wonder where the time goes.

I've been checking in here every few days. Writing a little bit, but never being able to hit that publish button. Never quite satisfied with my rambling. Because it really doesn't go anywhere. It's a jumble of thoughts that have been trapped inside my brain for the past three or four weeks. And since I didn't have any answers to that jumbled train of thought, all the musings I managed to get out of head and onto my computer screen don't make sense, even to me. 

I think I reach conclusions, then go back and read and realize that there are ten different conclusions that I could make. But then again, I guess that's the way life is. Is anything really every concluded? Is there ever just one path, one argument, one way of thinking? Never.

So here I ramble on with some nonesense. Indulge me, it's cheap therapy.

It's been a busy month. So many changes. Spending a lot of time trying to make plans that I can't really quite make yet. Trying to get an idea of where my next steps will take me. I've felt like I'm a hamster on on a wheel lately - running so fast, but not quite managing to get anywhere.

But it's all a waiting game. If I've learned anything over the last few years, it's that patience will pay off. I just have to keep running on that wheel, giving it all I have, and eventually I'll get off of it and be right where I want to be. 


Every time of uncertainty and, well for lack of better word, crappiness has turned out to lead me to a better place. I think I've rambled about that a time or two before. But when things get difficult and I begin to get anxious, it's the one comfort I have. That I know everything that is meant to happen will happen. And I truly believe I've had the bad periods in my life so I can genuinely appreciate all the wonderful parts of my life that always seem to be born out of the bad experiences.

Then comes the problem of the fear of failure. It's my biggest fear. My mom says I've been like that my entire life. Since I was old enough to understand what failure is. Even when I didn't understand the concept, my mom said I was always someone who wanted to please and make others happy. Then, of course, I want to make myself happy as well. Exceed my goals and overcome challenges. Not doing so would be a huge personal failure, and shortcoming on my part.

So I'm spending my time rambling right now with the knowledge that this week, my future will begin to fall into place. Will it work out how I've planned it in my head? Perhaps. Will I fail in a sense? That's possible too. But that failure leads to other successes that wouldn't have been possible otherwise. And that's the most important thing that I know, but at times, it's hard to appreciate and understand.

Well, that was a lot of slightly random, deep, yet incomprehensible piles of thoughts for a Sunday morning. Thanks for sticking with me.

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